January 29, 2017
Is Gender Disappointment a Real Thing?
The short answer is yes. Yes, gender disappointment is a real thing and it is more common that you think. Think of this scenario, mom is pregnant with her 4th child and already has three girls at home. Every person she meets assumes she wants a boy… hopes she’s having a boy and even says, “this one better be a boy”. How is this mom supposed to feel when she finds out she is having “another girl”? She might be elated, over the moon with happiness, but society might not be. The neighbors and friends might not be and there you go, gender disappointment and it’s not even their child. There’s a chance she wanted a 4th girl and didn’t prefer a boy. But now people will make her feel guilty that she can’t give her husband a son or her daughters a brother. Or in some way her family or life is not complete without having at least one of each, one boy and one girl.
I know that feeling all too well. As a mom of 3 boys myself, I felt extreme pressure to have a girl when we were pregnant with our third child. A small part of me wanted to give my husband a daughter (daddy’s little girl) but a huge part of me wanted to stay the only girl in the house and be the queen of the castle. I ultimately got want I wanted, but to this day feel like my husband would have loved to have a little girl to spoil. I think he might have been a little disappointment when we first learned the gender. We wondered what a little girl would look like, would she have my curly hair, his blue eyes? Would she be a tomboy because of having two older brothers? We will never know those questions and that’s OK. We have three beautiful, smart, healthy boys and we are a content with that. Unfortunately, people still ask us if we are going to try for a little girl, assuming our life wouldn’t be complete without one. They are disappointed for us, I guess.
Over the years, as a doula, I have had clients confide in me that they have been a little sad finding out the gender of their child. The truth is, to some moms they do have a preference and feel bad saying it aloud for fear of being shamed by others. With so many moms struggling with infertility and having to go to fertility specialist and spending thousands on IVF just to conceive, it seems selfish to be concerned with the gender and not just having a healthy baby. Each situation is unique, it doesn’t mean that don’t love this child with all their heart, it just means that were visualizing something in their heart and in their head and it wasn’t going to be a reality. I tell them to talk to me openly and honestly and I don’t judge them in anyway. Once the baby arrives, it’s always happiness and joy. The gender doesn’t matter, a healthy baby is all that matters.
This blog written by Lisa Raynor, a childbirth doula and mom of 3 boys in Coral Springs, FL. Over the years, Lisa has work with many families, including first-time moms, VBAC, teen moms, high risk moms and moms working with fertility doctors. Lisa offers compassionate support to moms in Boca Raton, Parkland, Coral Springs, Ft. Lauderdale and Surrounding areas. Lisa has attended births at every hospitals in Broward County and Boca Raton. Call today to schedule your complementary consultation 954-914-3933.